Rattling the Cage

Not one word.
Don’t open your lips
even to say you love me

because

it would be too much.

I am already at a crisis,
a flashpoint,
walls buckling with the tension
of holding all this in.

I do not know how to let go
after all this time.

What if I opened my hands,
unlocked the cage,
opened the door?

Ah, you would run,
don’t think that you wouldn’t.

No one standing could face this,
and lying down, much worse…

You might instead
scramble into the cage,
shutting yourself in,
and then where would I be?

Tending you,
a wild thing mastered by freedom.

Please do not speak.
It would be too much.

RCGA, 2010

eNothing: POEM OF THE DAY "Love" by Pablo Neruda

eNothing: POEM OF THE DAY "Love" by Pablo Neruda

Ah. Ah. Ah.

Shore

I believe in the infinitesimal diamonds
living in the sand,
thousands on thousands
clinging to your feet
as you pace by the sea.

I know you like I know myself,
which is not too much,
but enough for now…
scented of salt water
warmed in summer sun,
oceans within you shifting,
pouring out and extending
towards some far horizon.

Look, there is a shell
empty of its passenger
weathered and half-buried
reminding me that today is not the first day
that the world did not begin
when you looked at me.

RCGA, 2010

Daddy's Girl

A long time ago, it seems
I was born
in a Hollywood hospital
to a Southern Belle
and her intemperate Hispanic husband…
and I was loved.

From the time I came into the world
I always knew I was Daddy’s Girl.

Daddy
who walked me to sleep
who lifted me to the pulpit to sing
who paid me to shine his Sunday shoes
who gave me free range of his library
who settled my rebellion with a look
who told me nobody was good enough for me
but that I would make a lousy wife anyway.

Daddy
who in the pain of parting from Mom
gave me to her because, he said, she needed me more
but really, he knew he’d be living hand to mouth
to support our separate households alone.

Daddy
who every year on my birthday
tells me the story
of the nurse coming out of the delivery room
and saying, “Mr. Gutierrez, you have a daughter.”

Daddy.

I’m glad you finally said you are proud of me.
I’ll always be your girl.

RCGA, 2010

Elixir

I have wanted you
like cool water
and you have been
that draught for me

You are a shiny thing
hidden in the bottom of the glass
that hypnotizes me
and makes me forget
where I am going

For a moment
I can imagine having you
I can indulge myself in the fantasy
before what is interrupts what might be

I have told myself again and again
to open up my fingers
even if the glass breaks
and yet, I keep drinking
because you are the elixir and the jewel
so satisfying, so beautiful

RCGA 2010

Secret

Am I your dirty secret, then?
It's not the first time
I have been

an unacknowledged paramour
slipped in and out
the servant door.

In all your grief of things you've lost,
I am not mentioned...
to my cost.

Yes, I am angry, and alone
no private grief for me --
I own

each single moment that we shared
when I imagined that you cared.

Deluded me. I was a spell
repeated often
written well

but always used in private space
unable to claim pride of place

A concubine, a chere amie...
you were much more than that to me.

Sincere apologies I send
that secret still
here at the end

I cannot speak your name aloud;
what we had lived
beneath a cloud.

Penuel

I have been wrestling all night
like Jacob with the angel
looking for my advantage...

and finding none,
I am forfeit,
but have refused to let go.

Look... I have had a dream;
not an ordinary dream...
and the message was clear:
I am not The One.

I have been ordered
to release you,
because I am holding you back,
and my work
isn't about what I want,
and never was.

I have to wait,
as I always have to wait,
and you have already moved on,
but my energy has you tagged
by the ankle,
an irritable bitch who won't be left behind.

No. It is time
and I have no cause to hurt you,
else I could just trail you
like a jealous plague,
knowing always I was standing in your way.

And I know it is sad,
because I am sad saying it,
writing it,
even thinking it...
but there it is,
It
It
It
and it won't go away.

Trust me, I have wrestled its representative
and found no weakness.
I am not for you
and I need to stop fighting
before I break something
important.

Heavy Heart

When you lie down with a heavy heart
Your dreams will take you nowhere
Just around and around the same old circle
A carousel of pain

When you lie down with a heavy heart
Your thoughts will crowd your hopes away
Herding them into dark corners
Where their glimmer is disguised

When you lie down with a heavy heart
You must cling to those sparking hopes
Until you’re off the carousel
And morning comes

RCGA, 2010

words

you ask me how I feel
and I cannot answer you
because I have forgotten
in this fog
what the words are
and somehow
they would seem inadequate
if I could force them
to my lips
when I would rather kiss you

why is it so important
the vowels and consonants
formed into images
that might appear distorted
from proximity

allow me instead
to reach into dark places
with my tongue
to speak with parts of me
that seldom have a voice
let me
let me
show you what I cannot say

with your permission
it will be enough

RCGA, 2010